bikini confidence: this is me
This is not me in a bikini.
I’ll never look like that in real life and it would take a lot of retouching to make me look like that in a photo (well, a lot more retouching than was done on this model, anyway). With my curly hair and fair complexion I’ll never fit the conventions of attractiveness defined by the current zeitgeist. I’ll never look in the mirror and see a swimsuit model. …and yet slowly I’ve been seeing beauty.
It started small. After brushing my teeth I smiled at the mirror and thought My teeth are kinda decent, aren’t they? I mean, they are. They’re all lined up nicely. They’re a natural shade of off-white. And they have a small little gap in the front that gives me character.
…then slowly it started building up to bigger things. Some days I would do a double-take in the mirror and think something like Man, my butt is perfectly perky today or Are those my triceps muscles? Yeah, I think I see my triceps! or My shoulders look pretty nice in this top or even I look pretty.
I have to admit that I feel guilty about these positive affirmations, as if I am being cocky and thinking taboo thoughts. As if I am somehow betraying my own self-destructiveness. Who do you think you are, believing you look so good? Breaking out of the self-disparaging attitude that has been my security blanket for much of my life has proven to be the most challenging part of the last 6 months. But the truly amazing thing, is that I AM breaking out of it. While I used to always succumb to my critical self, I’ve now created a bizarre internal conflict between my critical self and the confident self that I long to be. And Confident Me won’t go down without a fight.
Confident Me can’t deny what she sees in the mirror. Where Critical Me sees bulk, Confident Me sees strength. Critical Me sees fat; Confident Me sees femininity. Critical Me sees plainness; Confident Me see beauty.
It would be delusional to think that I can completely rid myself of my criticism, but then again, I don’t even want to. I think a healthy level of self-judgment keeps us modest and down-to-earth. It allows us to accept and embrace our capabilities and our weaknesses. When we allow our self-criticism and self-confidence to coexist then we can achieve fundamental happiness. I may not be at that point yet, but I’m getting there and I’m learning a lot about myself along the way.
So here I am not perfect, not tanned, not Amanda Brandao. I am 25 years old. I am beautiful. I am happy. I am me.
Happy Birthday to Me.
July 27th, 2010 at 7:24 am
You go girl!!
July 27th, 2010 at 7:39 am
Awwww….YAY!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMANTHA!
This was so heart-touching, it actually brought tears to my eyes a little bit, and I’m not exaggerating.
You set out to achieve a physically, mentally, and emotionally tough challenge, and you have done it with such grace and poise. Through reading about your experience and thoughts, I have learned a lot about myself too. Plus, DANG, you look awesome girl.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, and PLZ keep writing.
xoxox
D
July 27th, 2010 at 8:54 am
Happy Birthday Samantha! You look great!
July 27th, 2010 at 9:07 am
YOU LOOK AMAZING!
GO YOU!
July 27th, 2010 at 9:54 am
Happy Birthday!!!
Don’t for a second double guess your decision to post these pics on your site. You ARE beautiful and you’ve worked hard to feel so great.
have an amazing day! And cake tonight!
July 27th, 2010 at 9:56 am
confidence says it all, happy bday to you
July 27th, 2010 at 10:35 am
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, and WAY TO GO!!!!
I just found your blog on the eve of your bikini birthday, but you are so inspiring and I totally love your goal and what you accomplished!
when we put our minds to anything we can do it!!!
I hope you are on Cloud 9!!!
I hate bikini’s too. I just feel so …exposed! duh!
PLUS YOU HAVE A POOOOOL! so jealous!
xoxoxo
enjoy our birhtday AND your bikini!
July 27th, 2010 at 10:43 am
HOORAY! You look gorgeous. And I’m thrilled for Confident You. xox
July 27th, 2010 at 11:28 am
Yay!!! You look gorgeous! Amazing! Love that ‘kini.
July 27th, 2010 at 11:49 am
Happy Birthday sweetheart! You ROCK that bikini!!!
July 27th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You look FANTASTIC!!
July 27th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Happy birthday to you! You make a great point by the way.
July 27th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
YAY for you Samantha!!!!! You are beautiful inside and out and a role model for all of us
Enjoy your day girl and thank you for such a great, inspiring post 
July 27th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And CONGRATS on reaching your goal. You look gorgeous
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July 27th, 2010 at 4:11 pm
[...] example of someone actually rocking her bikini with all the right attitude, check out the wonderful Samantha over at Bikini Birthday, a blog she started a year ago to help her reach her goal of wearing a [...]
July 27th, 2010 at 6:13 pm
you are SO GORGEOUS! i would rather look like you and rather BE you as a matter of fact over any model or photoshopped star. you have charismatic qualities, beautiful skin, a high-fun energy, a real long-lasting happiness, a joy for life, beautiful soul, and ontop of it all a healthy and beautiful figure. Happy birthday to you my doll. thank you for being a role model and a effortlessly wonderful human being <3 <3
xoxo,
Kelsey
July 27th, 2010 at 6:21 pm
awesome
July 27th, 2010 at 8:29 pm
You look amazing and you are a such an inspiration. I’ve been following your blog for a while but have never commented. This definitely requires a comment. You go girl!
July 27th, 2010 at 9:56 pm
Sam,
You are truly inspirational. You write so beautifully and with such wisdom. You live out your words and you pursue your goals. I am so proud of you and all of your accomplishments. Congratulations, Sam, my beautiful friend! xo
July 28th, 2010 at 2:13 am
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! yay for being positive
July 28th, 2010 at 5:30 pm
Oh my god. I can’t believe I missed the big day. YOU ROCK!!! You’re gorgeous and inspiring and you make me want to jump into a pool. Wear that bikiki, girl! And happy belated birthday!
August 5th, 2010 at 9:40 am
Ahhhh, how did I miss this?!? Happy birthday– you look GREAT! You rock that bikini!
August 9th, 2010 at 11:56 am
Well doen honey, you look gorgeous!!
J xx